Culinary lessons from my mother-in-law

Every day is a school day when Dilvin Yasa is in the kitchen with her (incredibly British) mother-in-law.

Is there something worth grasping from how someone handles tea and chocolate and raspberry tarts? Source: Benito Martin

A public admission: I love my mother-in-law more than anyone has ever loved a mother-in-law before. The thing I love most about my husband’s mum? Mealtimes – specifically, mealtimes with her.

I should point out that my mother-in-law is incredibly British, the kind of person who apologises just for walking into a room with a noisier-than-average din. As someone who grew up in a loud Turkish household, I find her to be a breath of fresh air and I enjoy her company immensely. Do our cultures clash? Absolutely, and nowhere is this clearer than at the dinner table where lessons are learned and shared daily. So what are the greatest lessons I’ve learned from her?

It’s okay to not have leftovers

Whenever my mother-in-law cooks, my children begin mouthing ‘English portions’ to one another in a panic. That’s because if there are five people eating, she will cook five card-sized pieces of chicken, 10 new potatoes and 25 string beans – TOTAL. When I cook for five, I will cook as though I’m feeding the Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs team after a particularly energetic game and then we’ll have leftovers galore. I’m still trying to get my head around her way of thinking, but I get the idea that ‘once a meal is finished, it’s finished’ is a thing.

Less is more when it comes to mother-in-law servings. Source: Alan Benson

Milk can be enjoyed in tea

Turks drink their tea as black as poison but every morning I am treated to the sight of my mother-in-law pouring milk into her tea until it resembles dishwater and I begin to gag. Milk in tea is popular in other cultures too, she says, pointing out the popularity of chai across the globe. Still, lately she has taken to joining me in the occasional black tea, thus proving to everyone (including Yours Truly) she is more open-minded and flexible than I could ever be.

Discipline and food can go together

At 74 years of age, my mother-in-law doesn't have a problem saying no. No to that second helping of pasta, no to a full chocolate and raspberry tartlet. Even more impressive, if she’s not feeling hungry, she won’t eat. I realise it sounds simple, but to me, it’s a way of thinking that’s revolutionary.

The way you eat can be a personal journey

When I first met my mother-in-law almost 20 years ago, she would break out into a sweat at the suggestion of spice, but over the years she has pushed herself, trying new flavours all the time – sometimes eating something she doesn’t like several times until she comes to a firm decision over whether it’s in the ‘possibility’ or ‘definitely not ever’ camp. Thanks to her open mind, every day is ripe for culinary discovery. She does, however, draw the line at oysters (which I love).

Her mother-in-law is becoming more open-minded about what she'll consume, like spices. Source: SBS Food

You don’t have to eat everything put on your plate

The first time she put the fork down and pushed her plate away, I stood before her in shock. “What are you doing? You haven’t finished,” I hissed at her. She looked at me with a look that conveyed both confusion and defiance (believe me, it’s a tough one to master). “But I’m full,” she said. For her, it really was that simple, but I had to unpack four decades of cultural baggage which begins and ends with you always finishing what’s put on your plate – even if you feel like you might die if you do.

Joy can be found in cheap comforts

Forget caviar, truffle or wagyu beef, there’s no greater sigh of happiness in the world than listening to my mother-in-law drink what she calls coffee and what the rest of us would call ‘freeze-dried particles of despair in a sad little jar’.  Everyone’s got their version of this, be it two-minute noodles or glacé cherries out of the bag, but during the darker moments in life, there’s really nothing better to lean on.

For her, it really was that simple, but I had to unpack four decades of cultural baggage which begins and ends with you always finishing what’s put on your plate – even if you feel like you might die if you do.

You probably shouldn’t force others to eat

When my mother-in-law hasn't been feeling well, she's been spared from dining at the table with a daughter-in-law threatening her life if she doesn’t keep eating, and she can avoid having second helpings dumped on her plate despite her many protests. When she serves a meal, there is a classy acceptance that everyone can moderate their own intake, thank you very much. I want to be like her when I grow up.

Joy can always be found in food

Overhearing my mother-in-law describe the flavours of a dish new to her (tacos, in this instance) to her husband over the phone, I became quite emotional. There was so much joy and excitement in her voice as she explained the coming together of avocado, minced meat and salsa, I realised I’d forgotten how much happiness finding a new and now-adored flavour can bring.

Her mother-in-law's enthusiasm for enjoying tacos for the first time is infectious. Source: Adam Liaw

This led to a greater feeling of gratitude about how lucky we are to live in a country where we can have French cuisine for breakfast, Mexican for lunch and Vietnamese for dinner and think nothing of it. How had I lost sight of that?

When my mother-in-law goes is in England, I’ll be sure to spend the months that follow training for her return. Will I be able to draw on what she’s taught me over all those months? Watch this space.