This lesson suits intermediate learners. After listening, test your knowledge with our quiz.
Learning notes
Language objective
How to say sorry after making a mistake or having a disagreement in informal and formal settings.
Different phrases to use when apologising in informal settings:
- Oops, my bad. I apologise.
- I messed up, sorry.
- I’m sorry that we argued yesterday. I didn’t mean to upset you.
- I didn’t mean for things to escalate. I’m so sorry.
Different phrases to use when apologising in formal settings:
- I may have got a little heated in our discussion yesterday. I do apologise and hope that it won’t affect our working relationship.
- I want to apologise for getting heated yesterday. I shouldn’t have lost my cool. Can we forget it ever happened and move on?
- Please accept my apologies. I didn't mean our discussion to cause any tension between us.
Colloquial expressions
To eat humble pie means to admit your mistake or that you are wrong and apologise sincerely.
If you don’t mean for things to escalate, you don’t plan for or want a situation to become more serious or problematic.
A fresh start is a new beginning or a chance to start again in a positive way.
Vocabulary
To apologise means to say sorry for something.
Common ground means the views and ideas that people share, even if they disagree about other things.
A confrontation is a direct and often tense encounter or conflict between two or more people.
A conflict is a disagreement, struggle, or clash between individuals or groups who have different opinions, or objectives.
A disagreement happens when two or more people express a difference of opinion.
If a conversation is getting heated, it means that emotions, tensions, and the atmosphere is becoming more intense and passionate.
To mess up is an informal way of saying that a person has made a mistake or has done something wrong.
To regret something is to feel sorry about something that has happened or something that you have done.
When someone is upset, they are sad, angry or disappointed.
A minor slip up is a small mistake.
Tension is the pressure that results from conflicts, uncertainties, or unresolved issues.
Transcript:
(Note: This is not a word-for-word transcript)
SBS acknowledges the Traditional Custodians of Country and their connections and continuous care for the skies, lands and waterways throughout Australia.
My name is Josipa, and, in today’s episode, we are going to learn how to eat humble pie.
Now, before you grab your forks, let me clarify that eating a humble pie is a phrase you can use to apologise and admit that you have been wrong.
To apologise means to say sorry for something.
First, we need to understand that the way we say we are sorry depends on the kind of thing we are apologising for, the relationship we have with the people we are apologising to and the context in which we are apologising.
So today, we are going to look into two rather different scenarios: how we apologise for a mistake that we have made, and what we can say to try to make things better after we have had some sort of disagreement with someone that didn’t go very well.
Let’s get on with it! We are starting with phrases we can use in an informal context when we have made some sort of minor mistake, something we could use after a minor slip up.
A minor slip up is a small mistake, that is unintentional.
For example, Allan is walking on the busy street, looking at his phone when he accidentally bumps into another person.
Oops, my bad. I apologise.Allan
We can use ‘oops’ before we start to talk about a slight mistake or slip up, while ‘my bad’ is an informal way of admitting that something that has gone wrong is your mistake and that you take responsibility for it.
So, Allan says ‘Oops, my bad’ to show that he realises he has made a mistake, and then ‘I apologise’ in order to show that he is sorry.
Claire also made a minor slip up.
While she was preparing dinner, Claire accidentally added too much salt to the pumpkin soup she was making. After tasting it and realising her mistake, she said,
I messed up, sorry.Claire
To mess up something is an informal way of saying that we have made a mistake or done something wrong.
It can be used in a lot of different situations. Let’s see… It can be used when we haven’t got something right, like Claire’s salty soup.
Here is another example, Allan didn’t answer all questions during a job interview, so he can say,
Allan
I messed up my job interview.
We can also use it when someone accidentally does something that upsets someone.
Allan
He really messed up when he forgot his mum’s birthday.
Or when something unexpected changes plans or causes confusion, like when Claire discovers that the airline had canceled her flight.
Claire
The sudden change in plans really messed up our schedule.
Now, let’s look at some informal language we can use with friends and family after a heated disagreement.
The first thing to remember is that just disagreeing with someone isn’t necessarily bad, but if it gets too heated, intense, and becomes an argument, this can make people feel unhappy.
So, if a disagreement becomes an argument and we say things we didn’t mean to, then we may feel sorry afterwards and want to apologise, and maybe also say something to try to make the situation better.
Let’s hear how Claire and Allan do it,
Claire
I’m sorry that we argued yesterday. I didn’t mean to upset you.
Allan
And I didn’t mean for things to escalate. I’m so sorry.
Allan and Claire are apologising – they are saying sorry and trying to make each other feel better. Claire first said,
I’m sorry we argued yesterday. I didn’t mean to upset you.
When someone is upset, they are feeling sad, angry or disappointed.
Whenever I need to apologise to someone, I am always upset. But Claire did not mean to – she didn’t deliberately try to – upset Allan. It was accidental.
Allan said,
I didn’t mean for things to escalate. I’m so sorry.
Similarly, Allan didn’t want things to escalate, he didn’t deliberately try to make the situation worse.
With friends and family, we can usually use informal language, but when we apologise to people we don’t know very well, or to people in a professional setting, we tend to be more formal.
Basically, an apology in a professional setting can be a cool breeze that clears the air and creates the basis for future understanding and collaboration in future.
When we say sorry, particularly to someone at work or when we don’t know them very well, our apology often has four parts: first, we say sorry, then we take responsibility for what we have done, try to make things better and finally show that we really don’t want it to happen again.
For example, yesterday after a heated discussion with her colleague, Claire felt bad. When she arrived at work today, her first action was to approach her colleague and offer an apology.
Claire
I’m sorry, I may have got a little heated in our discussion yesterday. I do apologise and hope that it won’t affect our working relationship.
In this apology, Claire says she is sorry, acknowledges that she may have done something wrong, apologises for it more formally as a way of trying to make things better between them, and shows that she wants to continue working with the person she has argued with.
If that person is her boss, she might even say:
Claire
…I promise it won’t happen again.
So, after apologising, we can also suggest a way forward, as in:
Claire
I'm truly sorry if I have hurt your feelings. I really didn’t mean to. I hope we can find some common ground and move forward.
Allan
I want to apologise for getting heated yesterday. I shouldn’t have lost my cool. Can we forget it ever happened and move on?
They both sound like they want a fresh start, right?
A fresh start is a new beginning, a chance to start over in a positive way.
So, let’s look at the phrases they used, Claire said:
Claire
I'm truly sorry if I have hurt your feelings. I really didn’t mean to. I hope we can find some common ground and move forward.
Claire wants to minimise further conflict – that is, she wants to avoid any further serious differences of opinion – by trying to find a starting point for discussion that they can both agree on, some kind of common ground or shared understanding.
In the same way, Allan said:
Allan
I want to apologise for getting heated yesterday. I shouldn’t have lost my cool. Can we forget it ever happened and move on?
When someone says that a situation or a conversation is 'getting heated', it means that emotions and the atmosphere is becoming more intense and passionate.
I shouldn’t have lost my cool.Allan
'I shouldn't have lost my cool' is an expression you can use to acknowledge that you got too heated.
Throughout this episode, Allan and Claire expressed their regret. Do you know what regret is?
A regret is a feeling of sadness or disappointment over something that has happened. It is a sense of wishing that a past action, decision or event had been different or had not occurred at all.
The word 'regret' can also be used as a verb. And to regret something is to feel worried over something that you have done or something that has happened.
Now, my plan was to introduce a guest, but I'm terribly sorry, I should have said something sooner, but I didn't invite anyone today.
By the way, 'terribly sorry' is an expression we use to show that we are very sorry and that we want to make things right. For example, I could say, 'I'm terribly sorry for not inviting anyone.'
But that doesn't mean we won't have an interesting chat with someone. After all, I work with people from all over the world in our newsroom at SBS Audio, and I'm genuinely interested in exploring the differences in apology customs across cultures.
So, who do we have here in our newsroom? There's Rajish from Nepal and Yumi from Japan.
Hi guys, I'm interested in how various cultures view the act of apologising. In my culture, we are very direct and we try to take responsibility for our actions and do something to make the relationship better. How is it in your culture?
Yumi
In my culture, Japanese culture, I feel like we are apologising all the time, constantly. I'm not sure if you know 'sumimasen'? In Japanese, it can actually mean 'sorry', 'thank you', and 'excuse me'. And we use this a lot. So, I feel like we are apologising constantly whether someone opened a lift for you, or picked up something for you, we just feel like we have to say 'sorry' all the time.
Josipa
So interesting, you have the same word for 'sorry' and 'thank you'?
Yumi
Yeah, that's right. So, a lot of people ask me why I say sorry for something that's not my fault, but it's just embedded in our culture.
Josipa
Rajish, how about you?
Rajish
Look, in Nepal, it's more about context. It could be that you're apologising to your elders or in a religious context if, for example, you've done something that God may not like then you apologise in a religious way.
When you apologise to elders or your parents, even though you might be right and they may be wrong, you still apologise to them because you are showing respect to them. Even if you did nothing wrong, you still apologise.
And there're two ways to apologise. When you apologise to elderly, for example, you do Namaste and put two hands together, and you bow your head a little bit.
And, if you are sort of apologising in a general sense, informal context and this is mostly with young people, they tend to just grab their earlobes and say 'maf garnuhos'. That means 'I'm sorry.'
A big thank you to our educational consultant Professor Lynda Yates, and our guests Yumi Oba, Rajish Aryal and Rehan Alavi.
Paul Nicholson and Lily O'Sullivan voiced the characters of Allan and Claire.
