'I felt a lot of shame, guilt': Still a stigma around not being able to have children, say women

Three women who wanted children but weren't able to for a variety of reasons say there is still societal pressure and stigma attached to being childless.

Some women claim there is still taboo surrounding not being able to have children. Source: Getty / Getty Images

Key Points

• Some women say there remains a stigma around not becoming mothers.
• Women are often childless due to circumstances beyond their control.
• Support groups are available to help childless women.

Miriam Aguilar, Concepción Peralta and Judy Graham don't know each other but they have something in common.

All three say they haven't been able to become mothers not by choice but because of their circumstances.

This is an increasingly common reality among women aged over 40. The statistics change depending on the country or culture.

In Australia, for example, earlier this year, the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) released a report that stated about one in four Australian women would be childless at the end of their reproductive lives.

Although many of these women have decided not to have children, other women are childless not by choice, but due to their circumstances.

These circumstances include fertility problems, an employment situation that is not conducive to having children, socio-economic causes, illness or the absence of a partner, just to name a few.

Ms Aguilar, who lives in Spain, said she tried to have children for eight years from the age of 33 but ended up having four miscarriages instead.

"I went through that whole process in silence. I told very few people about it. I felt a lot of shame, a lot of guilt. I didn't feel comfortable talking about it,” Ms Aguilar told SBS Spanish.

Miriam Aguilar says women who don’t have children are often misunderstood. Credit: CRISTINA PEREA

She said she believed many people still viewed motherhood as a necessary way a woman could "... fulfill her social role".

“(Having a baby) is (seen as) the best thing that can happen to a couple, but, above all, the best thing that can happen to a woman," Ms Aguilar said.

"Having a child is (often viewed as) the most a woman can hope for. So, the fact that you don't succeed directly, socially, makes you a failure."

'Society expects all women want to be mothers'

Associate Professor Melissa Graham, Head of Department of Public Health at La Trobe University, said that “in Australian society, (some people) expect all women will, can and want to be mothers."

Having a baby is out of reach for some women for a variety of reasons.

"However, not all women are able to or want to be mothers. And for these women, unequal gender relations maintained by pro-natalist beliefs which idealise and construct all women as care-giving mothers and motherhood as natural and integral to womanhood can result in social exclusion, a lack of social support, being stigmatised, and negative stereotyping.

Dr Melissa Graham, Associate Professor, Public Health Credit: Max Clifton-Saben: Latrobe Unive

“This matters because these are key determinants of health and are associated with increased disability, morbidity, and premature mortality."

The grief that women who are childless not by choice experience is often unacknowledged.

Judy Graham

'I finally accepted I wasn't going to be a mum'

Judy Graham said after not finding a partner to have a family with and with a diagnosis of endometriosis, at 42 she finally accepted the idea of not being a mother.

"I think the grief that women who are childless not by choice experience is often completely unacknowledged and so the women themselves may not even realise that they are grieving," Ms Graham said.

Judy Graham founded Womenhood to provide specialist support for women who are childless not by choice. Credit: Judy Graham

"So, we have to talk about the fact that childlessness entails grief and loss. Because we can't grieve if we don't name what we're grieving (about)."

Perhaps one of a basic rules for all our all our communities might be to adjust our expectations of women, whether they have children or not.

Judy Graham

Ms Graham and Ms Aguilar said they had experienced social pressure in the form of people constantly asking them if they had children.

“When they asked me - because a lot of people asked me, for many years - I said I didn't want to [have children] because it was an (easier) way to end that conversation,” Ms Aguilar said.

Dr Graham said that, “the perceived lack of conformity (with) society's expectations of women to be mothers means women who don’t have children are misunderstood, as evident in the way they are stereotyped and stigmatised, and required to justify why they don’t have children to others."

"This can lead to women feeling unsupported and alone. For example, for women who don’t have children, there is often not adequate support structures in place, such as counselling or strong social networks to support them through the challenges and emotions."

'Details of IVF are rarely explained'

Concepción Peralta is a 50-year-old woman living in Mexico who said she had prioritised her professional career and decided to postpone motherhood.

She said she started contemplating the possibility of having children only in her 40s through IVF treatments.

Ms Peralta said that her decision was influenced by the popular belief that with the development of science and technology a woman could have IVF treatment later in life and be successful.

Concepción Peralta says there is a lack of understanding about the IVF process and success rates. Credit: Supplied

Famous women having children after 40 is something that seems possible, an alternative available to anyone who wants it. However, as Ms Peralta points out, the details are rarely explained.

The point is that we don't know how they did it, because that's not what we talk about. They don't talk about everything they had to go through, how much it cost them, both monetarily and emotionally.

Concepción Peralta

“And well, we have an industry that is making millions ... that every day, it serves more women in this situation and they are happy because we keep thinking that after 40 we are going to succeed," Ms Peralta said.

Resources for women without children

In Australia, Ms Graham, a PACFA registered therapist, and in Spain, Ms Aguilar have created support groups where women in their situations can come and express their feelings and thoughts about not being mothers because of their circumstances.

The Australian group, Womenhood, offers individual help, organises support groups and workshops, and also provides information on the subject.

Childless by Circumstance is Ms Aguilar’s project that she started in 2022 in Spain. She offers Gestalt group therapy to women who are going through any path related to motherhood/non-motherhood: women who are trying to get pregnant, women who are not sure whether to continue trying, or women who have decided to stop trying.

“Although they all now have the same (journey) in common, from experience, I know that it is very important that, depending on the moment of the process, each woman finds her own space," she said.

“A safe space, with equals, where you feel accompanied, understood, supported and not judged."

The group therapies are two-hour long monthly gatherings online in Spanish where women explore different topics related to motherhood and childlessness.

"It’s this perception that ... perhaps there's something wrong with them and we maybe pity them. And this is one of the things that actually stops women speaking," Ms Graham said.

"We need to show the role models of childless women, show how capable they are and that they do not need to be pitied."

If this information has caused you concern, you can request help at these services: Beyond blue 1300 22 4636 Lifeline 13 11 14.

Listen to the podcast by pressing the play icon at the top of the page.