Julia wishes her mother’s funeral could have been more private.
The 2017 ceremony was attended by a large crowd of people, as Julia’s parents were active members of the Pentecostal Church.
At just 17, Julia encountered a lot of strangers at her mother’s funeral, which she said interfered with her grieving process.
Julia said her mother's funeral 'felt like a spectacle, rather than a commemoration'. Credit: SBS
“It felt like a spectacle rather than a commemoration.”
Julia lived in Indonesia before she moved to Australia in 2014 with her parents.
Three years later, when her mother passed away, she realised the grieving process was treated more seriously in Indonesia.
"They place such a heavy importance on making it sacred," she said.
"We would have religious people conduct these ceremonies, and not everyone's allowed to attend... there's a strict protocol on what to follow during the service".
"It's not something publicly displayed, it's only within the community," Julia said.
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During her mother's funeral, she wishes it could have been a more private ceremony attended by only her dad and a few close friends.
“You had to put on a face in front of people, and when you’re grieving it’s very hard to do that,” she said.
“So, a lot of emotions were just suppressed, and I think it took me years to just reflect about what I was going through in those moments”.
A new series by SBS News, , explores how our culture can affect our individual experiences of grief.
Grief Australia chief executive Christopher Hall said it’s important to recognise the nuanced ways individuals and families grieve, which he described as 'grieving rules'.
What are grieving rules?
Hall said Australia's dominant Western culture expects grief to be a neat process, when in reality it's often a very unique and complex experience.
He explains how individuals and their families often develop different rituals around grief.
“In some families, they may light a candle on the anniversary of someone’s death and place a photo alongside it,” he said.
“Whereas in other families the rules might be, 'we don’t speak of the deceased, we put photos away, it’s too difficult.'”
“We need to be very person-centred in the way we think about grief and bereavement support. One size doesn’t fit everybody.”
The complex relationship between individual processes of grief and cultural expectations is something Yarraka Bayles has confronted when 'code shifting' between the Western world and her Aboriginal culture.
'That's not the way we did it before colonisation'
Yarraka Bayles has experienced the cultural divide between the Western world and her Aboriginal culture on death and bereavement. Credit: Yarraka Bayles
She described this as 'code shifting', and said it was something she experienced particularly after the death of her father and grandmother.
“I’m much more introverted now, I love my own space,” she said.
“And then I’m reminded that, actually, this is the way we operate. My dad and grandmother were very prominent people, so there were always people around”.
“It can be draining and exhausting because, as the younger ones, what’s expected of us is to serve our families, serve our Elders, serve our communities,” she said.
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Yarraka said this feeling is exacerbated by the imposition of Western time frames upon Aboriginal cultural practices.
“It feels like we’re rushed, usually within two weeks you have to do a funeral and you have to bury them at a cemetery,” she said.
“And that’s not the way we did it back before colonisation”.
‘I was just so overwhelmed’
Kelly Renee also described experiencing a complex relationship with her Māori culture following her father’s death at the beginning of 2023.
She said the crowds of people passing through her house during and after her father’s death proved challenging, despite her culture also providing comfort during a difficult time.
“I just remember, I think by day two, I was just so overwhelmed by the constant visitors,” she said.
“We’re talking 50 or 60 people coming in at any point, and I just remember feeling a bit like: ‘can you just stop for a minute?’”
“I really just wanted to sit with my dad, by myself, just me and mum,” she said.
Kelly found the crowds of people passing through her house during and after her father’s death challenging.
“He deserves all of this love that’s coming through the door and from all of his family and colleagues, but I felt very jealous that I had to share my dad in those last moments as well,” she said.
“I remember one of my sisters sort of giving me a bit of a stern word and saying, ‘this is just how it is'. But I guess when you’re in that situation where you are the bereaved family, you forget that there are other people grieving for him too”.
Intersectional approaches to grief
Griefline counsellor Ji-Shen Loong specialises in intersectional counselling approaches that respond to the needs of linguistically-diverse communities and LGBTIQ+ peoples.
He said that, while grief is a universal experience, it can manifest itself in different ways.
“I think you have to be mindful and quite vigilant about what that culture is, because people express it quite differently,” he said adding, “and we don’t want to divide [people] into boxes with healing”.
“Some people might not want to see the body even if that’s the cultural norm, so there’s a lot of variation there”.
Julia has explored her own ways of grieving that are separate from the church, following her mother’s death.
She’s turned to counselling, spirituality and self-help.
“At this point, I don’t have any sort of help from the church in that process of grieving, which is really sad,” she said.
“I don’t think religion gives you the answer to that”.
Julia has explored her own ways of grieving, beyond the church, following her mother’s death. Credit: SBS
He described how someone who loses a parent in old age might find their Christianity to be a source of solace, whereas someone who loses a child might develop a difficult relationship with their faith.
"There may be very profound spiritual questions such as, 'How could God do this to me? Am I being punished?'" Hall said.
He said good rituals must arise from the personal stories they hold, describing one woman who relayed her wedding vows in the past tense to process the death of her husband.
"Good ritual arises from the story and it's often a powerful, creative exercise," Hall said.
"And you know when you hit good ritual because you often have those hair on the back of the neck standing up".
Julia has learnt to follow aspects of her faith that most align with her beliefs, following the death of her mother.
“[Religion] gives you principles and I think I’m just learning to live by those principles and believing that there’s always something better on the other side”, she said.
"I am reflecting on the teachings, and on the way of life, but also on the perspectives of grief — and I think there are different ways to handle it."
