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Love across racial lines: Meet the couples risking disapproval for love
Relationships like theirs used to be illegal in South Africa. Changes in the law have removed that hurdle, but these couples still face criticism today. They tell Dateline why they refuse to let racism and prejudice win.
Published 23 August 2022 7:00am
By Gemma Wilson, Janice Petersen
Source: SBS
Image: Pam and Sebastian Reddy.
Dateline looks at the challenges faced by interracial couples in the post-apartheid era in the episode, Love and Race in South Africa. Watch it via
Sebastian Reddy’s relationship with his now-wife Pam progressed quickly.
“Three months later I asked her to officially go out with me, six months later I asked her to marry me, six months later we got married, six months later we were pregnant,” he told Dateline.
The Reddy’s, who met in church, seem like most other young, married couples - juggling work while raising their two beautiful children, Jordan and Luca. But their relationship is uncommon in South Africa.
That’s because Pam, 30, is Black South African, and Sebastian, 31, Indian South African.
South Africa, a country once divided by race under the apartheid regime, now calls itself the Rainbow Nation, a phrase used by former president Nelson Mandela. But mixed-race couples like the Reddy’s still face difficulties.
“My family’s not welcoming to Pam because of the fact that she's Black,” Sebastian explained.
“My mum was not accepting of African women to a certain degree, but I put my foot down and told my mum, ‘You have to if you want to have a relationship with me’”.
What makes it more challenging for the couple is that they live in the in South Africa. It's a city that has had a turbulent history of deadly race riots - the most occurring in 2021 which saw the Indian and Black population violently clash.
Durban is a coastal city in eastern South Africa’s KwaZulu-Natal province.
“The thing is with the Indians, I'll be honest, they pick on the other nations like, ‘Oh, you’re African, you’re white,’ and it goes on like that,” Pinky told Dateline.
“My uncle, he picks on him for being married to an African girl.”
Pam said her family were the opposite, and welcomed Sebastian with open arms. But when Dateline spoke to her mum, Monica Scheepers, it was a different story.
“I didn't like Indians before so I felt wow, why? Why Indian? I said [to Pam] ‘Why now? What do you mean Indian?’”
“I didn't like Indians growing up, they always think they are wiser than everyone else, that's how they are, that's how I experienced Indians to be at the workplace.”
While Sebastian quickly won over Monica and the rest of the family, the couple say the looks they get from people when out in public shows that their relationship is not accepted by everyone.
Why do these attitudes exist?
In South Africa, marrying outside your racial classification was illegal under the apartheid regime.
Supported by the National Party government, the system was introduced in 1948 and, for nearly 50 years, placed people in a hierarchy based on their skin colour.
Whites were at the top, Indians and so-called coloureds were in the middle, and Black South Africans at the bottom.
Basic human rights were denied to those who weren’t white, and sex and marriage across racial lines was illegal.
The end of apartheid in the early 90s bought with it a more hopeful and progressive South Africa and although mixed-race dating is now legal in 2022, the architecture of apartheid is yet to completely crumble.
South African police in 1959 beating Black women with clubs after they raided and set a beer hall on fire in protest against apartheid, Durban, South Africa. Credit: Hulton Archive/Getty Images
“But if that same white person was dating a Black person, then they'll be like, ‘Oh, okay, I didn't expect you to date a Black girl or a Black boy,’ so unfortunately, the Black people are always seen as inferior.
“For people that were in apartheid, it would be very hard mentally to just click out of that mindset because it's mind control - oh, Black people are inferior, white people are superior.”
A hopeful future
Sarah Mkhize is white, her husband Ndaba Mkhize, Black.
“He's really taught me to be bold and be who I was made to be and he displays that strength in his character and in the way that he cares for me and looks after me and protects me as well,” Sarah, 28, said of Ndaba.
Sarah and Ndaba Mkhize.
“One of the things that's been important to us throughout our marriage whether we like it or not, is that we do represent something unusual," Sarah said.
"We don't want to talk about it the whole time, but we do want to model that,” Sarah said.
The pair, who are leaders in their church, actively work to bring diverse groups of people in the church together.
The couple admit that they’ve had their fair share of looks and stares when out in public, a legacy of the apartheid era, but Ndaba, 33, told Dateline he believes it’s slowly softening.
“I think given our history, we have an understanding of why it is that if you are raised a certain way, you think a certain way and it takes time to break all those rules down and to develop something new or to plant a new tree,” he said.
I'm alive in a time where I can have a relationship with whomever I choose, him [Sebastian] being who I choose, and I think we can get there.Pam Reddy
The couple, and their diverse group of friends, have all grown up without the apartheid regime dictating their lives. They are free to love whom they please, regardless of skin colour. For those in mixed-race relationships, they hope their love sends a message that it’s time to fully embrace a new era.
“We're teaching the older generation that it's okay to have a different race as your spouse as your future, because that just shows where the country as a whole is heading, and that's what Nelson Mandela wanted,” said Nick, who’s from an Indian background and has a Mozambican girlfriend.
It’s an action and message echoed by Pam, who believes the country will one day be rid of the lingering race divide.
“I'm alive in a time where I can have a relationship with whomever I choose, him [Sebastian] being who I choose, and I think we can get there.”
