I was bullied through school and suffered decades of pain. Then I received a surprise email

David Isaac was bullied throughout his childhood, leaving trauma that would shape his adult life. He tried various ways to move on but it was an unexpected apology decades later that finally gave him peace.

David Isaac was bullied as a child. It was a pain that stayed with him. Source: SBS

Insight's episode Sorry, Not Sorry examines the power of an apology – why we seek it, what happens when we get it, and the consequences when we don’t. Watch on SBS On Demand.

Small town residents usually know everyone else’s business.

This was certainly the case in Wales in the early 1950s, which is where I grew up.

The bullying started when I was nine or 10 and continued throughout my high school years.

I was kicked, beaten until I had a black eye, and had my school books and desk violated.

Looking back now, I think this was class discrimination. I acted a bit "entitled", which probably didn't help.

To try to avoid trauma, I stayed within the confines of my immediate family, who didn't understand the extent of my bullying.

But by doing this, I became increasingly introverted, self-conscious and isolated from others my age.

Attempts to escape

To escape the pain, I turned very early to alcohol. And to escape my parents' confines, I married young at 23, to a 22-year-old woman who was also trying to escape her family.

In 1971, I made a more extreme attempt to leave my past behind, by immigrating with my wife to Australia.

At last, I started to enjoy life. The lifestyle was conducive to parties, barbecues and drinking. I had found my place. 

What I didn't realise was I had become addicted to alcohol as a way to cope with my pain.

My life took a turn for the worse; I had lost control of my behaviour. I neglected my marriage, which ended in divorce, and I left my banking job under a cloud following some warnings by my supervisor about my work ethic.

Sometime in the late 70s I came to the realisation that I had to try to get my life back on track.

A surprise apology

I made a group of new friends who helped me to understand my value without alcohol, and that I was in control of my thoughts and actions. I started to pray and meditate, and I decided to study for a graduate diploma in administration.

Around that time, I received a surprise email from the man who had given me grief as a boy in my primary school years. 

This man wanted to offer me an apology for how he'd bullied me as a child. The hitting, kicking and, at one time, choking. 

David received an email of apology from his childhood bully 40 years after he had left school. Source: AP

I had pushed all the memories of my early life to the darkest recesses of my mind, planning never to reopen them, so it came as a shock. It was difficult for me to be reminded of those bad days.

But reopening those old wounds was also therapeutic; I was at last able to process and clear those memories, which I realised were just that, and no longer part of my life.

Without knowing what prompted him to contact me and say sorry after all these years, I accepted his apology.

And I truly hope it may have helped him in some way to clear his own memories of those old days.

It was difficult for me to be reminded of those bad days.

David Isaac

The event also prompted me to make amends to people I had hurt myself, provided the apology wouldn't hurt them or others.

I tracked down my former supervisor at the bank, thanked him for trying to help me through a difficult time and apologised for my behaviour and work ethic.

He accepted my apology, asked how things were going and seemed happy to hear I had bettered myself. And while he told me the apology was unnecessary, he said he appreciated my efforts to track him down.

At last it felt as though my life, once defined by mess, had straightened out. I had a much better ability to manage with the help of my friends.

I have now been happily married for nearly 40 years, I have three adult boys and have retired from full-time work.  My wife has told me she would never have married me had I not become sober and decent.

While I moved to the other side of the world and turned to alcohol to escape my past, I see now that only the apology could truly set me free.

These days, I try to maintain a positive thought process and admit to myself and others when I am wrong.

If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency, call 000.

Readers seeking crisis support can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 and Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (for young people aged up to 25). More information and support with mental health is available at beyondblue.org.au and on 1300 22 4636.