Stream free On Demand
Divorcing Well
episode • Insight • news and current affairs • 52m
episode • Insight • news and current affairs • 52m
When I was 50 years old, I faced the ultimate decision between living as my real self or continue living a lie.
After enduring years of gender uncertainty, I made the decision to live the rest of my life as a female.
But first, I had to break the news to Anne, my wife of 26 years.
The moment of truth
The decision point came when a doctor advised me that they were not able to help me with the question of what gender I was. After enduring emotional and mental torment, I came to terms with understanding my new identity and made the decision that I would abandon the male persona that had been me for close to 50 years.
Even though I finally felt peace at last - I was terrified of what lay ahead of me.
Anne and I sat down and I told her I wanted to live as woman, then began the discussion as to what we would do next.
As expected, Anne was devastated that her male partner was unable to keep the status quo any longer, but she knew there was deep discomfort in myself that was getting ever more difficult to contain.
There was love and acceptance, but also grief and difficulty in accepting that her husband was no longer.
My way of describing this was that I had I had found a possible way forward, and was a lot more at ease, but I knew I had created a very stressful environment and it would take years for that distress to ease.
Jan says she always identified with being a girl but felt as though she had to keep it a secret. Source: SBS
A complex journey
How did it come to this?
As I grew up, I became aware that the differences between boys and girls did not sit well with me.
By the time I was eight, I felt I should be a girl but clearly was not - I kept this issue a secret.
By age 20, I knew I should be a girl, but life got in the way.
I 'won' the National Service lottery in 1966, and spent two years compulsory service in the Army.
I was terrified of having to go to Vietnam, and that my gender uncertainty would be discovered.
Luckily, it wasn’t and I grew as a person being away from home. I also managed to establish a relationship with Anne before I started my period of conscription, and we married in 1970.
I had hoped that getting married would resolve my gender uncertainty, but of course it didn't.
I had a moment in the early 1970s where I realised that if I were female, my feelings made perfect sense.
But, life went on, we had two children together and later cared for a number of foster children, most with disabilities or a history of abuse.
I told Anne of my gender feelings in 1985, and by then, in hindsight, I was seriously distressed and depressed.
Fortunately, Anne accepted this information on an intellectual level, but must have been concerned about my wellbeing and mental health which was being seriously impacted.
Jan says although it was a difficult decision to divorce, she remains friends with her ex-wife Anne. Source: SBS
What would the future look like?
Once we accepted that I needed to become a woman for my self-preservation and long-term health, we stopped being a couple and used separate bedrooms.
Ending the marriage was an extremely difficult decision to navigate, but both of us understood why it had to be. Conversations around turning our relationship around from 'previously spouses, now friends' were tough but essential.
Neither of us wanted to be lesbians and we had to come to terms with what the future might look like for each of us.
We considered going our separate ways, but delayed making any major changes to our residential arrangements.
We were somewhat complementary, in that I helped Anne with technology, and Anne made a considerable contribution in shaping my dress style, appearance and was blunt with her ‘critiques’ of me.
The day I became Jan
I set myself a deadline and on 1 January 1997, I became known as Jan.
Although I had been known in the community as Jan for some years before, that date marks the day that I made the single decision that has given me a full and useful life again.
The journey to freedom was worth it but I know that it also came with the cost of losing a lover, and to a large extent, the conventional life that we had been living.
Anne describes it as like knowing your lover had died, or left, but being present still. We were reluctant to be seen together for quite some time, but eventually the anguish and discomfort gradually eased.
Jan, formerly known as Graham, and Anne on their wedding day. Source: SBS
An unconventional relationship
We are friends still, and still share a home, but do most things separately.
Family and friends were told about Jan early in 1997, progressively, and mostly the acceptance was outwardly good. I know some found my decision hard to fathom, and some were more concerned for Anne than myself, but over time, acceptance improved.
I have been Jan for 27 years, and have never regretted my decision. We divorced in 1999, to allow either of us to move on without complications, and I had gender surgery in 2000.
I had a management job for 12 of those recent years, and have been retired since 2011. I have never felt better, but I know my transition caused Anne considerable stress for many years, and probably still does.
We have worked out who we now are, and have a different friendship, having arrived at 2024 by a very unconventional path.
If you have a story you wish to share about friendship after divorce, Insight would love to hear from you - email
And for more stories head to – a new podcast series from SBS, hosted by Kumi Taguchi. From sex and relationships to health, wealth, and grief Insightful offers deeper dives into the lives and first person stories of former guests from the acclaimed TV show, Insight.
