Dear Sunrise: Some alternative pitches for the Hot Topics segment

SATIRE: How about 'advice on getting out of poverty hosted by extremely rich people?', Nayuka Gorrie suggests

Sunrise "Hot Topics". 13 March 2018. Source: Twitter / Channel 7

Hey Sunrise!

Long time viewer, first time caller.

I saw this morning you had an illuminating segment about placing Aboriginal kids in out-of-home care. I thought it was great that you not only included majority white perspectives (because heavens knows we need it), but also how you didn’t let qualifications and facts get in the way of a good yarn. Inspired by your ambition, I have a few pitches outlined below that I think would be perfect for your show:

1. Travel advice for people working in Médecins Sans Frontières* from people who have never left Cloncurry, Queensland

Source: Médecins Sans Frontières Australia

Sure, travelling and working in war torn countries can be life threatening and require specialised skills but we shouldn’t let that stop the good citizens of Cloncurry, Queensland from having their say. They have opinions too you know?

*(Doctors Without Borders for all you uncultured losers)

2. Advice getting out of poverty hosted extremely rich people

Source: Getty Images

I know this is more of Kochie’s thing, but why not go bigger? I’m talking Hockey, I’m talking Turnbull, I’m talking Gina, I’m talking Twiggy. Ok, I know you’re probably thinking, “this already is a segment", but we could find a way to make it more original. This is show biz baby!

It could be a musical segment or we could have them playing Monopoly while someone serves them iced hibiscus tea. I’m just riffing here and there are no bad ideas in a brainstorm right? We’re going to need bigger bootstraps!

3. How to respond to workplace sexual harassment from Jacqui Lambie and Mark Latham

Source: AAP

#Metoo is having a huge cultural moment. As people start to come forward more frequently about sexual assault and harassment we as a society need to learn not how to deal with the problem but how to make sure people don’t think we are victims in all of this, and I think Lambie and Latham would be great.

We need advice on how to soften the blow when we tell people that the harassment made us uncomfortable. Perhaps advice would be something like this: “It’s not you, it’s me. I hate being touched when I haven’t consented to it, I’m so sorry, my boundaries are just so rigid and weird, I hope you don’t think I’m weak or something! Hahaha. Don’t worry, I’ll pay for the therapy!”

Maybe even we could have Latham reunite a survivor and the person who probably accidentally assaulted the them in a “This is Your Life” moment. Again. I’m just riffing here, but I hope you are writing this all down.

4. My dog Ned and my cat Sailor reviewing The Shape of Water

Source: Fox Searchlight Pictures

They are both extremely talented and smart, I dont think I’m exaggerating when I say that they are  smartest dog and cat, who have spent hours watching me watch television. Ned is black and Sailor is white and I know how much diversity matters to your show.

5. Me, a childless grown-up child, providing parenting advice to seasoned parents

Asian mother comforting crying baby Source: AAP

Sure. I have only just in the last two years learned how to keep a dog, a cat and various houseplants alive but I have some things to share with parents. Is your child crying? Have you tried ignoring it for a bit, asking it to sit and then giving it a pat? Did you know fish oil is good for your child’s coat and makes their paws go soft? Are your child’s leaves a bit brown? Have you tried watering it a bit more? Have you tried taking it out of the sun? Did you know you can cut your children in half and put it in water and it will grow roots? I’ve got this and plenty more.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my pitches. If any take your fancy and you want a bit more information please don’t hesitate to get in touch. I’m a huge fan.

 

Warm regards,

Nayuka

 

**This article is satire

Nayuka Gorrie is Gunai/Kurnai, Gunditjmara, Wiradjuri and Yorta Yorta writer living on Bundjalung country. She writes social commentary, satire and comedy for television. Follow Nayuka @NayukaGorrie.