CN: Description of sexual assault
I was in my early teens and my parents were going away. Me and my three friends – two females and a male – we got a bunch of alcohol and thought, Let’s get drunk, this could be so fun.
I got really drunk really quickly and my friends put me to bed. I woke up at some point to my male friend coming into the room. I have flashes of him getting on top of me and not being able to move my body to get him off. I was fading in and out of consciousness, thinking, Who’s on top of me, why is he on top of me, is this a dream? I thought there were fingers in my mouth and thought, Why would he do that? I now know it was his penis hardening in my mouth.
The next morning my friends were telling me, “You were so loose,” and I was so embarrassed. I knew that something sexual had happened and that it was my first time. I was so confused, was I still a virgin? I told my best friend what happened without mentioning the fact that I was unconscious or that I hadn’t given my consent. She was really concerned because I was not ready for sex in any way and the friendship I had with the perpetrator was platonic.
Rape culture is so prevalent to the point that we don’t even recognise it when it’s happening
He was immediately different towards me. He told the others that I had been throwing myself at him and, from that day forward, he called me a slut and told people to stay away from me. Our friendship ended immediately.
Over the years, I have pieced together my memories and feelings. I’ll be triggered by something and have a panic attack and that gives me more context about what happened that night. I was so young and it was my first intimate experience. I didn’t know that it was a penis until I began to consensually engage in sex with men and I recognised the sensation.
I had never heard of the word “consent”. I thought that rapists were men hiding in bushes waiting to grab you. Rape is a violent thing, but I thought of violence as blood and guts.
Now I can look back and say that I was a victim of an act of violence. At the time, I didn’t have any idea. It took me until my late teens to understand that it was a violation and I only came to that realisation because I was having so many problems with intimacy and trusting the men in my life.
What happened to me that night had a direct and overwhelming influence on my relationship with sex and my relationship with men. I started getting panic attacks when I was 17 and was diagnosed with anxiety. I really struggled to have male friends because I didn’t know if I could trust them.
‘Asking For It’ focuses strongly on consent. Source: SBS / Northern Pictures
This assault made it difficult for me to trust my own reality, because when I thought I was the safest, I was the most vulnerable. I had to be on high alert at all times.
The biggest thing that’s lasting is that I am completely disconnected from my body. He took my body from me and I am still trying to get it back.
I can’t stop what happened to me, but this is an opportunity to potentially stop it from happening to other people
I finally told my parents when I was 24. It felt so good to open up to them. They were pretty heartbroken. My mum was really sad that I didn’t feel I could tell her at the time, but I was not equipped with the tools and the language to address this, and neither were they.
Whether or not to take my case to the police is a huge internal conflict of mine, but at this point I just can’t imagine willingly putting myself in a position where I have to be questioned and re-traumatised and have to see the perpetrator again. That might change in the future, but, to me, criminal action sounds like the scariest thing in the whole world. The story is mine, that’s the bit that I’m comfortable with right now.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to do the show [Asking For It] – it’s a scary thing to do – but I spoke to one of my closest friends and she said, “Think about if 13-year-old us saw something like this, if a show like this existed then.” It would have saved us from so many awful and traumatic experiences. The day that we filmed the interview was one of the most healing experiences I’ve ever had.
Source: SBS / Northern Pictures
I have done so much work to be able to talk about this. I can’t stop what happened to me but this is an opportunity to potentially stop it from happening to other people.
This is not about men versus women or vice versa. This is for every single one of us
Rape culture is so prevalent to the point that we don’t even recognise it when it’s happening. Women are being abused and killed in their own homes, and it’s more important to me that that stops than it is for me to feel comfortable and private.
This is not about men versus women or vice versa. This is for every single one of us – we all benefit from having conversations about consent.
If you or someone you know is experiencing family violence or sexual assault phone 1800RESPECT/1800 737 732 or visit .
Asking For It premieres at 8:30pm, Thursday 20 April on SBS and . The series will air weekly over three parts.
