The day I dreaded was also the day I dreamed of.
It started with a phone call I got while at work. My husband expressed his displeasure at me leaving for work without preparing his breakfast. I had never left home like that before.
Although a phone call like that wasn’t a rarity, it changed something within me. That was the moment I said to myself, I can’t take it anymore. My inner voice screamed that it was now or never.
I got up from my seat, informed a colleague that I had an emergency at home, and ran to the bus stop to catch the earliest bus. I reached home and, while crying, hastily packed my bags with no inkling of where to go, and left for a destination unknown.
It happens when it is meant to happen. You just need a moment that bursts the bubble and compels you to pack your bags.
Every time I came across the story of a woman leaving her partner or moving out of a relationship, I always knew it must not have happened overnight.
There must have been a series of events and circumstances that led to that drastic step. Quoting one of the guys I met on a dating app later, “One morning I woke up and she was not there anymore.” While he was telling me the story of his break-up with shock-filled eyes, I could totally understand from his ex’s perspective that the span of this incident was not just “one morning”.
Marriage is a lion’s task – not only to make it work, but also to move out of it
Marriage is demanding. The complexities of this legal and social contract make it a lion’s task – not only to make it work, but also to move out of it. Like every other relationship, it requires compromise and starting over every single day. Maybe this is not how all marriages are. Coming from a South Asian family, I grew up hearing I needed to be mentally prepared for a lifetime of sacrifice and selflessness after marriage.
Leaving a marriage or even a long-term relationship is rarely an impulsive decision. It is a simmering of slow boiling emotions that leads to the final burst of the bubble. That’s what happened to me.
I had an awareness from the beginning that my marriage wasn’t “normal”, even if I made everyone in the world (including myself) wear rose-tinted glasses.
The foundation of the relationship was weak enough to let it come crashing to the floor any day. Two people who might be great humans individually might just be unable to bring out the best in one another when they are together. Their home is not the abode they want to come to, but a place they are seeking to run away from. Such was our home.
We were both messed up in our own ways. I did not have “solid” grounds to convince my folks that I wanted to move out of my marriage. After all, I wasn’t being physically beaten. I wanted to leave because of the loneliness and despair that were only growing with time.
I realised that we both deserved happiness. I was exhausted from living in survival mode that had me in shambles every day.
Despite dreaming of leaving the marriage and living a life that wouldn’t mean dreading sharing the bed or waking up next to someone I was growing out of love with, it took me 11 years to finally leave.
Being an immigrant made this move even harder. Having a limited social circle and financial means, the big move seemed even scarier. Contemplating leaving every single day, I spent more than a decade either trying to make it work or waiting for a miracle to take me out of this agony.
While waiting for a miracle to appear, little do we remember that the miracle is us. The light we are seeking from the outside is the fire that burns within us
While waiting for a miracle to appear from the skies and free us of all our pain, little do we remember that the miracle is us. The light we are seeking from the outside is the fire that burns within us.
I had spent so much time in this marriage that I had started doubting my conviction, too. Communication was one of the major issues in my marriage. We avoided any difficult conversation, which is why separating was never the subject of discussion. I was scared of how he would react once he knew what was cooking inside my head on a low flame. Every now and then, I ask my close friends if I would ever be able to leave. They now tell me that they had second thoughts, too. I never stopped dreaming and wanting, though.
Today, everything from my finances to my fears have fallen into place. I cannot claim to have healed fully, but I can proudly confess that I am on my way. When the time is right, everything falls into place if you don’t stop dreaming. When you know, you know. Leaving is a leap of faith – it’s scary but worth it.
If you or someone you know is experiencing family violence or sexual assault phone 1800RESPECT/1800 737 732 or visit . For counselling, advice and support for men who have anger, relationship or parenting issues, call the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491 or visit .
