CN: Mental illness, suicide
Hi everyone, my name is Madalene Chu and I’m interrupting your regularly scheduled news feed to bring you an important public service announcement about mental health.
I know some of you might be wondering, “What’s happening to Maddie? She's always so bright and bubbly and happy. She radiates positivity and lifts you up with her bright clothes and colourful personality. But I haven't seen her on my feeds lately. She’s been quiet — really quiet — which isn't like her.”
Well, the truth is, I’ve been depressed these last few months and that's why you haven't seen me. When I'm depressed I tend to retreat into myself. I avoid all social interactions both online and in real life. I don't have the energy to visit family and friends. I feel like I'm not worthy of your attention. Nothing in life gives me joy. Not food. Not TV. Not clothes. Not sex. Nothing. There is no colour, or life, or love in my world. Everyday feels the same. When I'm working, I lose all interest in the job. I do the minimum I need to do to get by so my bosses think I'm lazy. In actual fact, I'm a very loyal, hard worker when I'm at 100 per cent. I work so hard they call me 'the Machine'.
Nothing in life gives me joy. Not food. Not TV. Not clothes. Not sex. Nothing. There is no colour, or life, or love in my world.
But I want you to know that sometimes machines break down too. I break down all the time.
When things are bad I dread going to work in the morning. Instead, I lie in bed anxious worrying about how I am going to pay my bills. When I'm left alone with my thoughts in the dark, it's scary. So scary, in fact, that once after a particularly stressful few months in a job I hated, I was so caught up in my own thoughts I didn't realise that I stepped onto oncoming traffic and nearly got hit by a bus. Stepping back from near collision, the wind from the bus still rustling my skirt and hair, I remember thinking, “Shit, I nearly died.”, followed by, “But if the bus had hit me at least I wouldn't have to go to work.” That thought scared the living daylights out of me. I've never been suicidal before in my life and I knew that being bipolar, I was a high suicide risk.
Recently, I thought of my Japanese friend Kiomi*. Lock down makes you think of the family and friends you miss. My partner and I normally travel to Japan during the holiday break at the end of the year — we even travelled with Kiomi and her family once. I called to see how she was doing, since I hadn't seen her for Christmas and her birthday in January.
When Kiomi picked up, she didn't sound like the confident, happy friend I was used to.
“To be honest, I'm not doing well,” she said, “I had a mental breakdown at work and now I'm only working three days a week.”
At that point, I shared that I had a mental breakdown at work, too.
And we were both so relived that we could finally be honest about the state of our mental health. We talked for over an hour.
And we were both so relived that we could finally be honest about the state of our mental health. We talked for over an hour.
That day, I taught her what my psychiatrist had taught me about numbering my moods. Say you had to rate your mood on a scale of one to ten — one being suicidal and ten being manic. Say I texted you one day and asked, “How are you feeling?” Your immediate reaction might be to say “I'm fine.” Even when we've had a terrible day, we are socially conditioned to say we're OK. But what if instead, we said, “That was a 2 or 3 day,” — a quantifiable language that maps out our pain? 
Conversely, if we had a good day at work, met our sales targets, had lunch with a friend, went to yoga, that might be a 8 or 9 day. It's important to remember that it's OK to have 2 or 3 days. Just as it is important to have 8 or 9 days. But as with everything — from eating junk food to exercise — it’s possible to have “too much of a good thing”. So let's say I asked you how you are every day for two months, and you responded only with 2s or 3s; that tells me that my friend is in a depression. On the other hand, entire weeks of 9 or 10s could hint at the possibility that my friend is going through a mania. Likewise, if I texted my partner that one minute that I'm a 3, then the next minute, I'm a 10, then back to 2, it might mean I'm having a mental breakdown. The best thing is to try to not let too many 2 to 3s or 9 to 10s go longer then a week before calling your doctor and seeking help. A zero on that scale means you are dead. CALL ME BEFORE YOU HIT ZERO.
Madalene with her family at Tet. Source: Supplied
Both Kiomi and I are on our way to recovery. We have plans to make flower arrangements for my aunt and her friend Caroline. We're going to get facials and have pho in Bankstown. We might even go away for the weekend, just us girls. So instead of pretending to be OK and fake-smiling our way through life, let’s be honest to family and friends and ourselves about how we're actually feeling before we let things get that bad again.
Madalene Chu appears in the new episodes of the SBS series The Swiping Game: Is Sex a Deal-Breaker and Love Me, Love My Anxiety, which explores online dating.
*Real name has not been used.
If you need immediate assistance or support contact on 13 11 14. For further information about depression and bipolar disorders contact on 1300 22 4636 or talk to a medical professional or someone you trust.
also supports people from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds.
