In mid-life, I’ve learnt to fight with my husband differently

In the end, we made a promise: we would stop our harsh words and one-upmanship. We needed to tame our “passion” – we needed to love in peace.

In the end, we made a promise: we would stop our harsh words and one-upmanship. We needed to tame our “passion” – we needed to love in peace. Source: Getty Images/FG Trade Latin

The first time I met my husband at a Bosnian dance, there was an instant spark. When our friendship group went to a cafe afterwards, he was seated at the far end of the table. Through bull-headed persistence, he spent the next 20 minutes swapping seats with everyone until he reached my side.

We spent the entire night talking, until we looked up and realised our friends had left. As he walked me to the car, he joked about marrying me. Our courtship was a whirlwind affair: we moved in together two months after meeting, and got married six months after that.

We had our first fight a few days after moving in together. I watched him drive away from our one-bedroom flat from the window, vowing that I wouldn’t be there when he returned. He came back 10 minutes later while I was packing. He had been so upset that he’d nearly got into a car accident. Shaken, he’d decided to turn around.

We made up passionately that day – just like we did the next time we fought, and dozens of times after it. And so our marriage became punctuated by drama-filled blowouts, each of us competing for flare as we hurled one-liners, trying to top each other with our cutting remarks.

Our marriage became punctuated by drama-filled blow-outs, each of us competing for flare as we hurled one-liners, trying to top each other with our cutting remarks

In the early days, my favourite activity was to call him at work with insults and harsh words, knowing he had to keep a calm face in front of his colleagues. I also outdid myself with juvenile pranks as payback, my signature move being the plastic toy figurines I would place under the doona on his side of the bed. His screams were gratifying when he lay down and felt the cold plastic prodding his back. A point for me.

There were many occasions when one or both of us stormed off and left in a huff for a few hours. During one of our more spectacular fights he drove away and wouldn’t tell me where he was. I used Google Maps on his device and sent him a taunting message, “Enjoy the movie.” Later, he came home and turned off the application, thwarting me from doing it again. A point for him.

Some of our histrionics have toned down over the 25 years we have spent together, but the pattern remains. Our fights are loud and boisterous, featuring stomping feet, slamming doors, rude text messages and childish payback.

But as I enter my mid-40s, what felt like the flip-side of passion has become tedious – a waste of precious energy. A few months ago, I’d had enough: not of our marriage, but the fights themselves.

Now that my husband and I are both professionally and personally fulfilled, what real problem is there to fight about? Why not choose joy over misery?

The loss of my parents in recent years has helped me see that I want to make every moment count. Growing up, I’d spent years swimming through toxic family drama, health issues, financial distress and grief. Now that my husband and I are finally entering an era of abundance, now that we are both professionally and personally fulfilled, what real problem is there to fight about? Why not choose joy over misery?

I don’t want to waste any more of my precious time on pettiness and conflict. After fighting one night, we somehow managed to talk through our fraught feelings, after years of alternating between the roles of agitator and victim. In the end, we each made a promise: we would stop our harsh words and one-upmanship. We needed to tame our “passion” – we needed to love in peace.

Over the past few months we have dedicated ourselves to dismantling our patterns

Over the past few months we have dedicated ourselves to dismantling our patterns. I am taking note of when I begin my prodding, and he pays attention to triggers that may lead to rage. While we might always tend to deal with conflict head on, we can change our dynamic and not resign to be a combative couple.

I know he’s angry with me when I don’t receive any funny videos on social media, and he knows I’m upset when I give him the cold shoulder. After a few hours of huffing we now try to talk it through and move on. Things have been calmer and less drama-filled.

Hopefully the next 25 years will be marked by a more even-tempered relationship. I might even learn how to take the high road one day.

Amra Pajalić is an award-winning author of Sabiha’s Dilemma and Alma’s Loyalty, the first two books in her own voices young adult Sassy Saints series. Her books are published in ebook, paperback, hardcover, large print, dyslexic font and audiobook.