Time outs don’t work in our house. If my eldest daughter has done something that warrants a time out – hit her younger sister, say – it’s probably because she didn’t get her way and any attempt to intervene simply fans the flames of her rage. A time out requires an element of control, and usually by this stage, my daughter has totally lost control.
Her explosive temper is a huge challenge for me as a parent – mostly because, I’ve come to realise, I don’t know how to control my own anger.
There are just so many things to be angry about as a parent. My children never know where their shoes are. We’re always late. Every day, bath time is a battle. Society expects mothers to do all the housework. The list goes on.
Sleep deprivation, as it turns out, is a huge trigger for me. After five years of parenthood, I’ve accrued a sleep deficit I’ll be repaying for the next decade. I don’t need an app to track my sleep – I can accurately gauge how well-slept I am by the length of my fuse. If I’ve lost my cool three times before breakfast, I need to go back to bed (I wish!).
But it’s not just me – society isn’t all that great at dealing with anger either. Toxic masculinity, male violence against women and all stem, in part, from unchecked male anger.
Society is very uncomfortable with female anger
Men and women tend to treat anger differently, notes . “Men may find it easy to express anger as they may feel it is the more legitimate emotion to express. But they may find it harder to express the feelings underneath the anger, like hurt, sadness, or grief. For women the reverse may be true: their anger may get buried under tears or other emotions.”
Society is very uncomfortable with female anger. From a young age, , girls are told that its unattractive or unladylike to be angry, so we repress it. But denying your anger does not make it disappear, observes Penny, whose anger as a teen manifested in self-harming behaviour. “I directed my frustration inward and took it out on my own body, hurting and starving myself. In the slow, painful years of recovery, I learned that there were better ways of dealing with my anger, and I didn't have to be afraid of it.”
Penny now realises that it’s ok to be angry. What matters, she writes, is that you use it as a force for good. “Anger can be useful. It can keep you moving and working when you want to give up. It can give you courage when you need it. It can focus your attention on what has to change, in your life, in your community. Anger can be a tool as well as a weapon, and it’s a tool we shouldn't let rust away and never learn to use.”
The angry reaction to the tragic deaths of and , killed in the same week in June, hints at what a powerful force for change female anger can be. Tired of living in fear, women refused to be made responsible for protecting themselves against male violence.
I want to help my daughter learn to control her anger – and perhaps pick up some tips for myself along the way.
What is anger and how to manage it
Anger is a normal human emotion triggered by frustration, injustice or a perceived attack. It’s often accompanied by physical changes like an elevated heart rate and a tense jaw and behaviour we’re all familiar with: yelling, the stamping of feet, or throwing the nearest thing to hand.
Anger itself is not the problem. “We often learn from parents or teachers that anger is harmful or should be controlled. However, anger can be helpful in alerting us to potential threats to our physical or emotional wellbeing, and mobilise us to take a stand,” says Jessica Levetan, a psychologist at .
There’s a difference, Levetan says, between anger and aggression. Anger can be expressed in a healthy way to facilitate growth and understanding. “[It] becomes harmful when it used destructively against others, or when it is easily and frequently triggered by issues that could otherwise be resolved calmly,” she says.
Excessive angry outbursts could be due to feelings of low self-worth, unrealistic expectations of others or an inability to self-regulate.
Children can learn how to manage their anger from those around them, says Levetan. “If parents are prone to explosive outbursts or respond to their child's frustration in anger, this is likely to make things worse. Parents can help their child by attempting to create a calm and non-chaotic home environment, and by responding to their child’s frustrations with empathy and clear guidelines.”
As my unsuccessful attempts at time-outs show, punishment often intensifies anger. Instead, suggests Levetan, say to your frustrated child, ‘I can see you are really angry and that must feel terrible...let's take a few deep breaths and when you are calm, you can tell me what is bothering you.’
Offer praise when your child is able to remain calm in future altercations. Focus on rewarding positive behaviour, and only use punishment when absolutely necessary
Once they are calm, explain the behaviour you expect to see in the future, she says. “Offer praise when your child is able to remain calm in future altercations. Focus on rewarding positive behaviour, and only use punishment when absolutely necessary.”
And don’t be too hard on yourself if it’s you, not your child, doing the yelling and foot stamping. Try some breathing exercises, calm down, explain why you were frustrated and acknowledge you could have expressed your feelings differently. Apologise if necessary.
“Have a laugh, diffuse with humour, and move on,” advises Levetan. “Dwelling too much on the issue only reinforces the idea that losing our tempers is shameful. Accept that we cannot always be calm, although we continue to try.”
