I emigrated from the Philippines at five-years-old. I was pretty much raised in Australia with Australian values and have identified as Australian since. I was rather academic in my upbringing since I was in primary school, I displayed a knack towards my studies that my parents naturally encouraged. I had only ever known how to be studious and never self-indulged.
Even since I was a boy, I always knew I was attracted to men. Girls never interested in me in the same way other boys in school did. I began to really express my sexuality in university, and I expressed it rather enthusiastically! To be introduced into Sydney’s gay community in the early 2000’s, the latter years of Gay Sydney’s prime, was sensory overload and intriguing. There was an internal struggle for attention between my studies and my desire to explore my self-identity and sexuality, and ultimately the latter succeeded.
There was an internal struggle for attention between my studies and my desire to explore my self-identity and sexuality, and ultimately the latter succeeded.
I spent a lot of time building my self-confidence through the parties, the drugs, and the sex. I could never feel a complete sense of satisfaction though. Back then, I believed that inadequacy was due to the fact I was seen as Asian, not Caucasian. I convinced myself that my cultural background was inferior.
Growing up believing the standard of male beauty was to be muscular, masculine and Caucasian, I strived to attain those ideals. Understandably, that led to a self-identity crisis and internalised inferiority issues. In hindsight, those feelings of inadequacy were due to believing the hedonistic lifestyle I followed were the end-all and be-all of what being gay was about. There was a lot of maturing and growth from that realisation.
About 10 years ago, I had a regular f*** buddy who I thought was incredibly sexy. He was a charming and physically attractive gentleman. I would obey his every sexual suggestion, so he managed to persuade me to not use condoms after a couple of sessions. He discovered he was HIV positive after returning from holidays in Thailand, and immediately informed me of his status.
Naturally I was in shock and convinced myself that I was HIV positive too. At that point, I was quite naïve about what it meant to be HIV positive. I already had self-confidence issues, and was terrified about with the stigma that came along with it. You could only imagine the sense of relief once I discovered I was still HIV negative. I vowed to never put myself through that anxiety over something that I had complete control over.
I am now 36 and have been on PrEP since November 2016, (save three months while I was in an exclusive agreement with a partner). I’m proactive about my health in general, especially my sexual health, so PrEP works perfectly for me.
Today, I am a more empowered and self-confident man, who is still heavily involved in Sydney’s gay community. I volunteer extensively with ACON (previously known as the AIDS Council of NSW), which allows me to stay connected with my fellow gay men, albeit in a more constructive context away from the party scene. Having said that, I have also discovered the joys of moderation, so the occasional trashy night out isn’t entirely out of the question.
I’ve owned my Filipino heritage and have married it along with my westernised upbringing, and completely own who I am, where I stand in this dynamic city and what direction I am headed. And I am in total control of my sexuality: what I want, how I want it and know exactly where to go to make safe and informed decisions for my sexual health.
I could only imagine how difficult it must be to immigrate to Australia with little to no English skills, discovering your same sex attraction and exploring your sexuality in a new country. I send my out my sincere hope that every other gay Asian man living in Australia can find comfort in their self-identity, take pride in their cultural background, have a support network who they can trust and rely upon, and of course, to enjoy a happy and healthy sex life.
Watch Insight’s episode: HIV Positive on Tuesday April 2 at 8:30PM on SBS.
