"Having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage."
So wrote American writer and filmmaker Nora Ephron, a much admired wit whose film credits include When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle.
Ephron was right about many things – including this. Parenting is hard. Which is why, after having children myself, I’ve always wondered why people think that having a baby will save a marriage. How is that even a thing?
A looked at the perceptions of parenthood versus the lived experience. “People tend to believe that parenthood is central to a meaningful and fulfilling life, and that the lives of childless people are emptier, less rewarding, and lonelier, than the lives of parents,” write the authors.
After having children myself, I’ve always wondered why people think that having a baby will save a marriage. How is that even a thing?
But science suggests otherwise. “Most cross-sectional and longitudinal evidence suggests, however, that people are better off without having children,” state the researchers.
Now, I love my children and wouldn’t hand them back for quids. I have two daughters, aged four and two, and they are, in one sense, my greatest source of joy. But life as a mother is short on sleep and leisure time, and long on hard work.
The effect this extra stress has on relationships is often disharmony. It’s hard to be nice to someone when for weeks you haven’t slept for longer than two hours in a row. This doesn’t mean your relationship is faulty; it just means you’re human.
“Most cross-sectional and longitudinal evidence suggests, however, that people are better off without having children,” state the researchers.
Some of the best parenting intel I received was from a friend who told me that her sister and her sister’s husband had a deal: they promised to disregard whatever dreadful insults they threw at each other overnight and start each day with a clean slate.
When my friend told me that, I was pregnant with my first child. “That’s great, but it won’t apply to us,” I thought to myself. “My partner and I will be fine, we’ve been together for a long time and have a true partnership.”
It’s true that our relationship has survived but we’ve had plenty of arguments along the way. We’re particularly good at the classic “the kids are acting out, let’s turn on each other” manoeuvre.
The rigid gender roles that come with parenthood are another source of conflict. In Australia, women tend to take on the bulk of childcare duties, particularly in the first 12 months of a baby’s life.
Caring for small children is a peculiarly Sisyphean pursuit: all day you’re busy but make scant progress. The washing piles up and the dishes go unwashed as you hold the baby, play with the baby, feed the baby, settle the baby.
Then your co-parent arrives home from work, usually in the middle of the hellish period known as ‘witching hour’, looks around at the chaos and utters those fateful words: ‘what have you been doing all day?’ Conflict ensues.
Making an established twosome into a threesome can also cause ruptures. “It can really stir up some complex and often negative emotions,” says Relationships Australia counsellor Matt Garrett. One partner can feel pushed aside as the baby becomes the focus of attention.
Financial strain is another issue. “The things that a couple might take for granted, going out to dinner, going to the movies, overseas holidays, be able to buy whatever they want whenever they want tends to change, unless of course the couple are very affluent,” he says.
Caring for small children is a peculiarly Sisyphean pursuit: all day you’re busy but make scant progress.
If you are struggling with the demands of parenthood, Garrett advises asking for help. “Draw in whatever family and community resources are available because these days life is far more complex and dynamic than it was 100 or so years ago,” he says. “We lead busy lives. We're often disconnected from our families of origin. Our usual supports aren't often around and from my experience, your friends will certainly want to know how things are going but they're often unlikely to step in and give you some help.”
While parenthood is not a relationship quick-fix, it can be an enriching experience full of symbolic importance. “It marks a very important stage in a couple's journey, in that they're differentiating from their own families and creating a new family,” says Garrett.
Having children, he says, “signifies that the couple will not only commit to each other but they'll also commit to this child that they've bought into the world.”
That’s true – just don’t think it’s going to make you happy.
