Being a perfectionist might sound like a good thing – after all, it’s about wanting to do things really well.
And self-improvement doesn’t seem too bad either, because it’s about trying to make your life a little better. Eating better, being more productive, trying life hacks, moving your body more, and sharing the whole experience on social media: what could be so harmful about that?
Combine the two, however, and you may have a recipe for disappointment.
“At the beginning self-improvement is motivating, because it makes you want to push yourself to do better, but if you’re constantly striving to very high standards – as perfectionists do – it becomes impossible to keep up,” says .
Inside the perfectionist’s personality
reports that a perfectionist’s life is “an endless report card on accomplishments”. (Insert a chorus of perfectionists nodding.) “What makes perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, so theirs is a negative orientation … There is a difference between striving for excellence and demanding perfection.”
Lishman agrees that perfectionism can hold people back. “If they don’t think they can do something perfectly, a perfectionist often won’t even try it. This limits your potential, because there are probably things out there that you can do really well but you won’t try because anxiety kicks in.”
If they don’t think they can do something perfectly, a perfectionist often won’t even try it.
And so, if someone with perfectionist tendencies is attempting a self-improvement project, chances are they’re planning to take it very seriously – and if it doesn’t go well, watch out for the fall.
“If you’re beating yourself up for not achieving what you think you should be, you get stressed, miserable and anxious,” says Lishman.
“Perfectionism is anxiety. Any time perfectionists move towards doing something less than perfect, anxiety is going to come up; they tend to pull back when that happens.”
You might consider taking on a more gentle path to living a good life, instead of the social media way that inspires so much harsh self-talk.
Danish psychologist Svend Brinkmann has released a book titled Stand Firm: Resisting the Self-improvement Craze, about the danger of this age that’s focused on being your best self and a constant demand for happiness.
In an interview with , Brinkmann explains, “Nothing is wrong with self-improvement as such … The problem is that self-optimisation has become a duty, a burden throughout our lives, which means we’re never good enough ... And I think this is weighing us down.”
Perfectionists and self-help crazes—a recipe for disaster? Image: E+/Getty Source: E+/Getty
And let’s face it, perfectionists are already convinced they’re not good enough – taking on more of this is exhausting.
“I don’t think people realise how bad perfectionism can get; it can lead to serious anxiety and depression,” says Lishman.
So, perhaps if you have a perfectionistic personality, you might consider taking on a more gentle path to living a good life, instead of the social media way that inspires so much harsh self-talk.
How perfectionists can ‘self-improve’ in a gentler way
- Become curious about it. Sit with the discomfort and ask yourself what’s causing it. “Instead of pulling back when you feel anxious about trying something (and not being perfect at it), sit with it and realise it’s okay,” Lishman suggests.
- Take small steps. Try something new, but consider taking it slowly. Lishman says, “Embrace being less than perfect, and just give something a go. But don’t just launch yourself into something big; small steps are the key.”
- Challenge your thinking. “What would happen if you did something a different way?” Lishman asks. “If you let go of trying to control things, life might just lead you in a better way than you’d thought.”
- Be compassionate towards yourself. This is a big one, Lishman says: “Perfectionists beat themselves up and mentally ruminate about what they’ve done wrong, so self-compassion goes a long way.”
