I was married with kids and had an affair at work. I don't regret it

When David* was miserable at home, he found solace in a relationship with a work colleague. He says he doesn't regret the affair, which helped him "survive and grow", despite costing him his career.

David* was married when he had an affair at work. He says he would never again mix his personal and work life. Source: Getty / Image Source

Work is still one of the most common ways we meet our partners. On Insight, we explore romantic relationships in a variety of workplaces and ask: How much say should employers have over our love lives? Watch Love at Work on SBS On Demand. Here, David* shares his story of having an affair at work.

When I was in my late 30s, had been married for around 10 years and had three young children, I had an affair with a woman at work.

At the time, I was working at a large Australian company and my career was going well.

But my home life left me feeling so miserable that I questioned my will to live.

I felt stuck in an unwinnable situation.

The affair started after a manager from another department asked if I would like to have a coffee with her after work.

So began a relationship that lasted around six months.

We were two independent, career-focused and married people who all of a sudden were thrown into a world of excitement and adventure.

When a career and feelings collide

Was it wrong to have an affair at work? Looking back, my answer is both yes and no.

They say you cannot judge a man until you've walked in his shoes.

For me, that path was a heavy mortgage, extended family commitments, children, religious idealism, no family support and a constant air of physical and emotional abuse in the home.

At the time, I felt there was no way out.

I was told that if I didn't do the right thing my 'wife would get a call'.

But with a touch of the hand, everything felt different. 

I understand now that I used an affair at work to survive and grow as a person.

And because of this, I don't regret the affair.

But I now realise that my career and personal feelings should never have intersected.

'My career was over'

I had a good position where trust, reputation and commitment to the truth were paramount to my success. And I now see how my managers and colleagues who knew of the affair lost their trust in me.

I had put my personal feelings ahead of my commitment to deliver in my role, and hence had compromised my own ability.

It didn't take long before I felt the impact of my decision.

I ended up being bullied and blackmailed. I was told that if I didn't do the right thing my “wife would get a call”.

At this point I knew my career was over.

David* says he should never have had an affair with a woman at work when he was in a position of responsibility. Source: Getty / mapo/iStockphoto

After years of pondering the situation, I now very much regret that the affair was at work.

It was weak of me to succumb to my feelings. I failed to put my job and my reputation first and because of that, I lost my job.

If you find yourself in an impossible situation at home and you have a relationship outside of your marriage, don't do it at work.

We expect people who hold positions of responsibility – from government officials, CEOs, managers and other leaders – to uphold that responsibility without question.

At no point should they confuse their personal and professional lives.

It could cost you everything.

* name has been changed.

Information and support with mental health is available at beyondblue.org.au and on 1300 22 4636.

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