Why we snubbed hook-up culture and married in our 20s

Marriages at any age can be a challenge, but young newlyweds often face additional obstacles, such as a lack of financial stability, a lack of communication skills that come with life experience, and judgement.

Isaac (left) and Jaz had only been together a few weeks when COVID-19 lockdowns started. They decided to bunker down together. Source: Supplied

Watch insight episode Married Young – on why some Australians are bucking the trend of marrying later in life and getting hitched in their early 20s – on SBS On Demand.

In the age of dating apps and hook-up culture, choosing to marry in your early 20s seems unimaginable for most.

But for Isaac Graham-Singh and Jaskaran "Jaz" Singh, it was a dream come true.

The pair met on Tinder. Isaac was a small-town romantic from Jervis Bay who swiped right on the the profile of Jaz, a big-shot chef working in Sydney. Both were tired of the fleeting relationships of their generation and were looking for something more.

"Dating nowadays is very transient. You pick someone and then you might go on a couple of dates or you hook up with someone and then it goes nowhere," Isaac told Insight.

Jaz added: "For me, I want somebody who can hold my hand forever."

Isaac and Jaz met for the first time a few weeks before the COVID-19 pandemic shut the world down. Despite it being early days, they chose to ride out lockdown together.

"The strongest and fastest couples bootcamp ever," Isaac told Insight.

For many couples, lockdown exposed the cracks until rifts appeared. But for Jaz and Isaac, the cracks created space for honest conversation and meaningful connection.

"I think we really got deeply connected because there were not many distractions," Jaz said.

At the end of lockdown, Isaac surprised Jaz with a proposal and they married a month later in an intimate ceremony in front of a few friends and family. Isaac was 20 at the time, while Jaz was 25.

Jaz’s parents, who live in India, were unable to attend the wedding due to lingering pandemic travel restrictions, but they gave their blessing to the couple over Zoom.

At the end of lockdown, Isaac (right) surprised Jaz with a proposal and they married a month later. Source: Supplied

People say 'are you sure it's going to last?'

Australian couples are marrying later in life than ever before. According to the latest data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics, the average age for women to marry is 29, while for men it's 31.

Navigating the usual pressures in marriage can be challenging at any age, but for those who buck the trend and marry young, an additional burden seems to emerge: judgement.

Newlyweds Jake and Amelia Thompson, who grew up in regional Queensland, got married in May after three years together. Jake is 22 and Amelia is 21.

"I always thought that I would get married at 25 or above, but I was [also] very determined and inspired by all the Disney movies, and all that love," Amelia told Insight.

Jake and Amelia Thompson, who grew up in regional Queensland, got married when Jake was 22 and Amelia was 21. Source: Supplied

Though their families and friends were supportive of their decision, they’ve had to get used to people's reactions when they first introduce themselves as husband and wife.

"I guess the most insulting thing people say is, 'are you sure it’s going to last?'" Amelia said.

For Jake, many assume he’s much older than he is. But other people's doubts never change the way he feels about asking Amelia to be his wife.

"I’m more optimistic than pessimistic," he said, "Once I knew I wanted to marry Amelia, I didn’t really have any other doubts."

Amelia admits the comments sometimes do have an effect on her.

"It doesn’t feel good when strangers question your choices," she said. "It makes you feel odd. It makes you second guess yourself."

The good and the bad about marrying young

Beyond being judged, young married couples can face a number of other challenges related to their age, such as a lack of financial stability or the communication skills that can come with more life experience.

Amanda Gordon, a Sydney-based relationship psychologist with more than 30 years' experience, says marrying young presents both challenges and advantages.

"It can be a great challenge for young people who are not yet really clear about who they are themselves," Amanda told Insight.

"There's two lots of work that has to be done in a marriage – developing the self and working with another," she said.

But those who marry young often possess greater flexibility and more openness to change, she adds.

"Often people who are married much older are quite set in their ways and even though they might be more skilled at making a relationship work, they might believe it’s my way or the highway."

Vicky and Wal Jinnette married in 1996, but it wasn’t the first walk down the aisle for either of them.

Vicky’s first marriage at 22 ended after a turbulent five months, while Wal’s first, also at 22, fizzled out after three years. Having similar histories and recovering from difficult separations as young parents helped them build a firm friendship that evolved into love.

They both agree that the naivety of youth played a role in choosing to marry young.

"I thought I knew myself and had really great self-awareness," Vicky told Insight.

Wal and Vicky both say they rushed into marriage too quickly the first time around. They have now been happily married to each other for 27 years. Source: Supplied

For Wal, the desire to be a young father and gain independence from his family home were key drivers in his decision to marry young.

"You look at everything through rose-coloured glasses," Wal told Insight. "I think because of how young I was, I didn’t really know what love was until I did find it."

Despite the difficulties of their first marriages, years later, when their own children wanted to marry, Wal and Vicky weren’t too concerned about their ages.

"The only advice we gave our children was, if you’re going to get married, go out and marry your friend," Wal said.

'A commitment to a person'

Amelia says she sees long marriages as a marker of success, and hopes her marriage will be one of them.

"My parents got married quite young and I look up to them. And I also look up to the elderly who are still married after 50 years or however long.

"I'm very fascinated by the fact that people can love someone for so many years."

Jaz agrees that those who marry young get to experience more of the journey with their special person.

"I'm glad I met my partner Isaac at a young age because I think there was a deep desire with him to have our firsts together: his first licence, seeing him graduate, moving to his first house in Sydney. I respect the journeys of people."

Isaac says it's impossible to know if you've made the right or wrong decision to marry young.

"If it goes horribly wrong, or it doesn't work out, you can always get divorced. For some people, it's a commitment for life. For me, it's a commitment to a person. If I don't work out with that person, there's always another person out there.

"But I think with Jaz, we have this shared bond. And that's what connects us."