Clutching a gift in a sweating hand and, your partner’s hand in the other, you reluctantly let go to ring the doorbell. Only once the door opens, your most opinionated auntie appears, and you brace yourself.
"Oh, you're looking different this year." she says.
These experiences have been mine once or twice, and I know I’m not alone. Queer folk have sat in the discomfort of family gatherings for a long time - funerals, weddings and the ‘Season to be Jolly’. We know the lingering stares, questioning and outright rejection that comes with being queer at Christmas time. It isn't right, but often the alternative is sitting it out altogether.
It doesn't matter if you're pretending your lover is just a roommate (and an orphan), or you aren't spending the occasion with them at all, it stings the heart and tramples on your Christmas spirit.
We know the loneliness of watching a relative introduce their new person to the family.
We know the loneliness of watching a relative introduce their new person to the family. Meanwhile, your long term lover is somewhere else - another occasion where you aren't comforted by their presence. We've felt the yearning to reach out and hold the one you love, but instead, you hold back and lock eyes.
No doubt, this time of year is underpinned by religious celebration, and it should be said that the LGBTIQA+ community is diverse, and many are deeply spiritual. However, to ignore that these festivities aren't profoundly ingrained in our collective unconscious would be oversimplifying it.
Even the most unconventional people and families overdo Mariah Carey's Christmas album, decorate the house and buy a bunch of presents last minute. So, we go to face the dead-naming, relationship-concealing and debates that take place over lunch that leave us grinding our teeth at best, crying in the bathroom at worst.
For many, the festive season isn't the promised "most wonderful time of the year" - far from it - and the LGTBIQA+ community aren't the only ones who feel it. People who survive on the outskirts of social acceptance, be it the culturally diverse, economically disadvantaged or the lonely, know this all too well.
For many, the festive season isn't the promised "most wonderful time of the year" - far from it - and the LGTBIQA+ community aren't the only ones who feel it.
Hanging on to see the other side of December is tedious and, it begs the question, how does one get through it reasonably unscathed? The answer is and has always been - community.
Through our shared experiences of micro (and macro) aggressions, we LGBT+ have built strong bonds that have seen us through incredible times of grief and suffering. We've built our own armies and overcome inequality, we do it well - inequality in every sense of the word, a global epidemic, and brutal violence. There is not one thing we cannot overcome.
I suggest that festive season woes are no different. While it isn't always easy to find yourself in a community, particularly during COVID - it is not impossible.
I grew up in a rainbow family and we weren’t immune to the challenges that arise during the holidays. The upside is that we have practised keeping the door open for extended family to join in on Christmas day. The experience of welcoming friends that turn into family is a gift all of its own, and something I hope to make a ritual of.
"You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends." The significance of having chosen family is monumental. Find your people - the ones that get you without explanation, the ones who respect your pronouns, and welcome your relationships with open arms.
People from all walks of life are trying to find a Christmas table, not because everyone is religious but because us humans have an innate desire for connection.
If you are still building that support network, know even then you are not alone. People from all walks of life are trying to find a Christmas table, not because everyone is religious but because us humans have an innate desire for connection. It's less about mountains of gifts and more about the presence of others - the joy of togetherness.
Time ticks on as it does and always will, businesses shut their doors for the year and the support services that often keep people afloat do too. This is when we cannot afford to forget about those who watch their clocks all day.
If you are fretting about how to deal with Christmas day, use it as an opportunity to lower your fence and stretch your table. Because beyond our community, chances are there are people who are trying to wrap their heads around it too.
If you’re needing some support over the holidays, consider volunteering or joining one of the community lunches in your local area. You can find them by visiting your local charity or community centre - if you’d like to see what’s happening for Christmas in your area is a wonderful platform that can help you find community and services.
